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| Trees for him | Being a testosterone charged caveman with Ugg a generic answer to everything when the TV is on then you might be interested in a manly Oak tree gift box. Big, strong, leaves (no pun intended) things he wears all over the floor and expects others to pick them up. |
| Trees for smokers | Ash Tree gift box which is ironically used for alternative medicine. |
| Trees for skiers | Aspen tree gift box Cheer up their downhill lifestyle with a thoughtful alternative tree gift from you. |
| Jam, Wine and Gin lovers | Bird Cherry Trees are used to make jam, wine and flavour Gin. |
| Extreme Gin Lovers | Blackthorn trees produce an extremely bitter fruit that can only be used in home made liqueurs such as Gin. |
| Small Gardens | Cherry plum tree gift, only grows to 9 metres and has white flowers in the spring. |
| Beech Lovers | Common Beech tree gift box. Make sure you say the common part of this quietly, the recipient might think you are being rude! |
| Mad Friends | Hazelnut tree gift box or Walnut Tree Gift box. Speaks for itself! |
| Superstitious friends | Mountain Ash or Rowan tree gift. Believed to keep black witches and evil spirits at bay. Often planted in graveyards. |
| Cat lovers | Pussy Willow tree gift. |
| Scottish People | Scots Pine Gift Tree Box |
| Holly and Ivy | The Holly Tree and the Ivy Gift Box. |
Birth Trees
The concept behind birth trees is that you share characteristics with a certain tree based on when you were born. I looked for hours to find out where this originated and I will give you the choice to choose which explanation you want to follow.
The long and short versions are:
Short: Many years ago somebody said there was a relationship between your birthday and a tree species. Lots of people agreed and it stuck.
Long: My eyes started bleeding within 5 minutes of starting research so if you want to find out more, Google the following; Celtic Druids, Celtic Lunar astrology, Birth Trees, Celtic tree calendar, wheel of the year, Robert Graves and the Ogham script. If you manage to find something concrete then let me know by using the contact us form.
Modern Birth Trees
We think
it is about time we modernised this chart so below is our modern day
interpretation. The text shown after the = sign is what we think it
means today. We have completed December and January with the rest
to follow. If you want to view and buy that particular tree then click
the name of the tree.
Dec
12 to Dec 21 - FIG
TREE
Sensible = Rarely seen drunk.
Very strong = the iron man competition was actually an ironing competition.
A bit self-willed = politically correct description for a social
hand grenade.
Independent = an alternative explanation for having a limited social
circle.
Does not allow contradiction or arguments = yes they do.
Loves life = usually a complimentary afterthought after you realised
you just insulted them e.g. he looks like he has been chasing parked
cars but then he does love life.
It’s all about family = until the in-laws arrive then it’s
about finding something else urgent to do.
Children and animals = Best order to have them. When the kids start
to rebel, swap them for animals.
A bit of a social butterfly = visits regularly if you feed and water
them for free.
Good sense of humour = surrounded by lots of boring people i.e.
not hard to fly like and eagle when you are surrounded by turkeys.
Likes idleness and laziness = especially when the mother in law
wants shelving putting up.
Of practical talent = makes the Sat Nav car sucker pad stick first
time
Intelligence = is something that comes and goes
Dec
22 - BEECH
TREE
Creative = describes a burnt meal as “A La Cris-Pay”
Has good taste = Does not turn up to a first date with a box of
wine.
Concerned about their looks = its not grey its natural highlights,
its not a comb over, it was the wind.
Materialistic = if you have a cockatoo they have a cock-a-three.
Good organisation of life and career = has mid-life crisis in private.
Economical = with the truth e.g. of course we are glad to see you
again mum for the fifth time this week.
Good leader = surrounded by yes men.
Takes no unnecessary risks = checks wind direction before peeing
outside.
Reasonable = leaves one sheet of paper on the toilet roll.
Splendid lifetime companion = doesn’t leave parties when the
hosts go to bed.
Keen on keeping fit = considers running a bath, pulling a pint and
marathon TV watching as exercise.
Dec
23 to Dec 31 - APPLE
TREE or wider
selection of APPLE TREES
Love = calls everyone that when they have forgotten their name.
Of slight build = has to run around in the shower to get wet.
Lots of charm, appeal and attraction = nobody knows you very well
or you have just come into money.
Pleasant aura = wears popular perfumed goods.
Flirtatious = has a lazy eye and gives the impression of always
eyeing you up.
Adventurous = will "air guitar" in public after half a
shandy.
Sensitive = knows all the right things to say and feigns interest
well.
Always in love = spends a lot of time with hands in pockets.
Wants to love and be loved = which evolved from "do you come
here often?".
Faithful and tender partner = used if the last one didn't work.
Very generous = mentioned if you think your date is shallow and
promiscuous.
Scientific talents = has the phone number of someone who can answer
children's homework questions.
Lives for today = said by people that were too drunk to remember
yesterday.
A carefree philosopher with imagination = asks questions such as
how do you treat someone addicted to counselling? Do they use sterilised
needles for lethal injections?
Jan
01 to Jan 11 - FIR
TREE
Mysterious = gives short answers that seem to make sense until you
think about them.
Extraordinary taste = likes Marmite and Geoffrey Archer, both of
which bring a bad taste to your mouth.
Dignity = uses the neighbours bin to dispose of tooth whitening
packaging.
Sophisticated = hides screw holes so can deny it came from Ikea.
Loves anything beautiful = especially if seen in the mirror
Moody = blames faulty mirror if the reflection is not beautiful
Stubborn = Buys new mirror
Tends to egoism but cares for those close to them = Another way
of saying your family put up with you.
Rather modest = say things like "it's the second most expensive
bottle of wine the garage had".
Very ambitious = talks a lot about when they might do.
Talented = easily turn a compliment into and insult e.g. you are
a star, dim and distant.
Industrious = can make a mountain out of a molehill.
Uncontested lover = virgin.
Many friends many foes = Comes from being 2 faced.
Very reliable = had nothing else better to do on a regular basis.
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Free Website Things
Our website suppliers have deals that you might be interested in. They can provide free hosting and email addresses, free ecommerce websites, free business Internet consultancy and much more. Contact Alan on 0800 043 1057 or email Alanaticamltd.co.uk (replace at with @, done to avoid email collection software).
If you are looking to start or improve what you have on the web at the moment, it's definitely worth the call.
Disclaimer
Every effort is made to ensure that some HUMOUR is injected into these newsletters. During the course of this, some people may take offence. Any reference to overweight, bad breath, lesbian/gay, Muslim/Christian, bomb planting, anthrax spreading, Cockney/Brummie, council estate living, conservative supporting, combover fashion disaster individuals that might be found in our tree product descriptions is purely coincidental and unintentional.
Apologies (if you need one)
For your convenience and our own, we have several apologies already prepared. Should no apology cover your issue then please feel free to write your own, send it in and we may sign it.
Apology
one : We sincerely apologise for what ever it is that has caused
your distress and cause you to have to wipe spit off the monitor.
Apology two : We apologise to any religious person that has
taken offence from this newsletter. Please post your complaint in
a blank envelope. If it was destined to be your day to complain
then your spirit will make sure it gets to us.
Apology three : We apologise to any solicitors, the mentally
unstable and anyone wearing shell suits and scouse accents, that
have cause to complain and will fix it what ever it is that is wrong.
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I cannot for the life of me understand why anyone would want to not receive this newsletter. Are you sure? Ask yourself "are you just having a bad week?". Why not take a few years to mull this over? I was only kidding about the shell suit thing. Comb overs are not that bad, some people like them. Are you really only unsubscribing because you wear tacky sports wear and loosing your hair? Thats ok, we still like you as a person.
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