A Great Place To Buy Trees Online
Wholesale Prices
Buying over £1000 of trees and plants? Then trade prices likely apply. Tell us what, where and when. Contact us.
Rumours Started By Us Say That The First Draft of Ceclia By Paul Simon Could Have Been About Sessile Oak
Sessile, you're breaking my heart, I'm checking your branches daily, Oh, Sessile, I'm growing all my trees, I'm begging you please grow in loam, Sessile, you're breaking my heart, You're shaking my green fingers daily, Oh, Sessile, I'm down on my knees, I'm begging you please don't be Holm, don't be Holm.
Paul Simon has never denied this story and sauces close to him have remained silent.
The Latin name of Laburnum Anagyroides originates from ancient Rome.
Ruler of the time, Ceasar Mi-lan, was dictating to his son, Ceasar Sa-lad, possible names for new trees. Forgetting to say "pause" Ceasar Mi-lan complained about his "larva burning bum and angry haemorrhoids" This was mistakenly added to the list and over time shortened to Laburnum Anagyroides.
Henry 8th (or VIII to the purists, pronounced "Vyyy" to the not interested) was well known for his constipation causing low fibre diet.
"Groom Of The Stool" was a toilet domestic servant involved from first twinge to final clean up. He would be so intimately involved, he could see Henry go through every shade of Crimson as he pushed, contorted and yelled.
It is rumoured that one day whilst walking through the caste gardens he bumped into head gardener struggling to name a new tree he had grown. Noticing the leaf colour was the same colour his employers face has just been, he made a naming suggesting.
He pondered for a while but decided "Crimson King" was a better name than Stuck Sh*t Tree.
Tree Gift Ideas
Know someone who oils himself up and screams about dining in hell to 299 mates? Buy them a Spartan Apple Tree
Your Catholic Priest gave you something more than confession, say thanks with a Cardinal Crab
Need to drop a hint the World does not revolve around them, gift a Magnolia Galaxy
Reassure them they never went overboard with the sunbed then buy a Golden Beauty
Friend happy with augmentation surgery, send her a great pear. See all our Fruit Pear Trees
If the recipient has delusions of Royalty, get them a Prinz Handjery or a Crimson King
A friend confused by garden access? Then buy them a Howgate Wonder
Want to send a passive aggressive comment about mental agility, send a Sloe
Want to let your friends know your dislike of James Dyson, send them Broom
You have a smelly room mate who doesn't shower, get a Beauty Of Bath
Got a boss that cannot make a decision on their own, get them a Conference
Want to say her social class will always be low, say it with Common Beech
Know someone who makes mountains out of mole hills, buy them an Evereste
A friend who is a fan of Kelsey Grammar, get them some Fraser Fir trees
Drop a hint they need more sun, send a Tai Haku Great White
Want your children to move out and see the World then buy them Gypsy Mirabelle
She won't go to get her liver tested, drop a hint with Yellow Bird
Had a romantic fling at a prestige sporting event, send them an Olympic Flame
Accidentally Offensive Tree Gifts
Gets emotional about their height do not buy Dwarf Weeping Willow.
Caught watching your neighbour topless sunbathing, don't gift an Admiration Crab Apple
A friend recently had to have a Biro removed by a proctologist, do not get them Aspen.
Turning up to your Mother In Laws funeral with a Cornus Florida Cloud Nine.
Buying Elder for someone with a much younger partner.
Anyone in Reform UK, a European Larch
Anyone who has had a house fire do not get Flame Grape Vine
If your mate suffers with erectile dysfunction in the Autumn, do not buy October Glory
Someone fearful of the World coming to an end, don't buy Sunburst Cherry Tree
Failed breast surgery and a weeping pear
Bad news from the Sexual Health clinic Prunus Ichiyo
A builder sensitive about bending over, Betula Moonbeam
Your friends had their budgie kidnapped by a bird of prey? Stay away from Peregrine Peach.
Friends in North UK just finished weightwatchers? Don't send Scotch Dumpling
Some Questions We Had Trouble With
We want a cheap solution to my neighbours ugly fence, what do you suggest?.... "Close one eye when walking down the garden path, close the opposite one when walking back up".
We want trees that block out noise, what do you have?..... "A twig from any of our trees jammed into your ear is effective".
Your webpage says tree delivery is in August, can we have one earlier? ....."Sure, is July 53rd good for you?"
I would like a practical tree present for elderly Nan.....We suggest something low-growing, they are much easier to climb.
Do you send trees to America?.....Sorry no, our plant life doesn't like your Trump plant life and refuses to go.
Trees To Buy A Political Supporter — Labour Party
Known for their repeated empty promises.
Get a mature Aesculus Hippocastanum to represent “that old chestnut”.
Trees To Buy A Political Supporter — Consevative Party
Conservative party, known for their austerity measures.
They would love Leylandii because it tolerates repeated cutbacks.
Trees To Buy A Political Supporter — Liberal Democrat Party
Known for their understanding and negotiation skills.
Get them any tree they can stand under and do nothing.
Get an Eucalyptus, they will love the EU part.
Trees To Buy A Political Supporter — Reform UK Party
Reform are well known for being Reform so anything that grows red, white and blue but no brown.
Buy a Fraxinus because planting it requires a large Ash hole, and Reform are always looking for more.
Trees To Buy A Political Supporter — Green Party
Known for being green, i.e. not doing it very long.
Get them an evergreen e.g. Ilex Aquifolium, because if they ever get into power, we will say “HOLLY S**T”.
Trees To Buy A Political Supporter — SNP Party
Known for wanting to leave the UK.
Buy any tree with a small rootball, because they don’t want any attachments to England.
Trees To Buy A Political Supporter — Plaid Cymru Party
Known for wanting independence for wales, meaning no financial support for Humpback, Killer or Beluga i.e. suppress cash so buy a Cupressus Cashmeriana.
New Entries For The Oaksford English Dictionary (only words containing Oak)
Joak: A tactic used to break the ice and initiate poaking.
Poak: Getting hardwood and feeling the need to jab your girlfriend/wife with it.
Woak: What your girlfriend/wife will do if she was asleep when poaked.
Soak: Indicates greatly anticipated poaking.
Coak: Rehydration after lengthy poaking.
Broak: Too much poaking.
For more, see the end of the bare root Quercus Robur page.
Why Buy Trees From Trees Online?
Lots of reasons which include, limited FREE TREE WARRANTY, mostly free delivery, bulk tree order discounts, we need your business due to mortgage addiction and you are here now, finding another tree website is just hassle.
All Year Round Planting
You can plant our containerised trees (minus the pot of course...yes we get asked) all year round. Bare root trees come without a pot or soil surrounding the roots and they can only be planted November to March, sometimes early April.
Delivery Timescales
Cell grown plants 20-60cm up to 7 working days on average. Fruit and Ornamental trees up to 21 working days, average is 7. Mature Trees up to 28 working days but average is 14 to 21. Busy times such as Spring and Autumn can extend delivery times and if the couriers ration capacity (e.g. Covid lockdown) for larger boxes it can be a lot longer. You do not need to be at home for your order to be delivered.
Specific Tree Requirements
Should you have specific tree requirements or questions you are welcome to email us here for an answer from the tree consultant.
FREE UK MAINLAND DELIVERY *except Scottish Highlands
If you live in the Grampians, add this surcharge
If you live in the Highlands, add this surcharge
If you live in the Scottish Islands, add this surcharge
If you live on the Isle of Wight add this surcharge
Zones
All addresses in zone 1 (except Isle of Wight) are free delivery, Zone 2 and 3 attract a surcharge. Click here for a map and explanations of which post codes belong to which zones. Call us on 0800 043 1057 (+44 1623 812 711) or click here to email, for surcharge costs.
Dual Perspective Brexit Update
Do to long term "idiotic/strong and stable" decisions at No 10, we now cannot send trees to Northern Ireland, EU OR Channel Islands (except 20-60cm trees). The "flaming faeces/oven ready deal" created by "WOO WAAH BLAH/Ex-PM Bo Jo" means the only planting you can do is with our flag.
If you would like trees delivered to the EU, please organise another referendum.
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