Tree Jokes, Puns & Adult Gardening Humour From Trees Online

Tree Gift Ideas

Know someone who oils himself up and screams about dining in hell to 299 mates? Buy them a Spartan Apple Tree
Your Catholic Priest gave you something more than confession, say thanks with a Cardinal Crab
Need to drop a hint the World does not revolve around them, gift a Magnolia Galaxy
Reassure them they never went overboard with the sunbed then buy a Golden Beauty
Friend happy with augmentation surgery, send her a great pear. See all our Fruit Pear Trees
If the recipient has delusions of Royalty, get them a Prinz Handjery or a Crimson King
A friend confused by garden access? Then buy them a Howgate Wonder
Want to send a passive-aggressive comment about mental agility, send a Sloe
Want to let your friends know your dislike of James Dyson, send them Broom
You have a smelly room mate who doesn't shower, get a Beauty Of Bath
Got a boss that cannot make a decision on their own, get them a Conference
Want to say her social class will always be low, say it with Common Beech
Know someone who makes mountains out of mole hills, buy them an Evereste
A friend who is a fan of Kelsey Grammar, get them some Fraser Fir trees
Drop a hint they need more sun, send a Tai Haku Great White
Want your children to move out and see the World then buy them Gypsy Mirabelle
She won't go to get her liver tested, drop a hint with Yellow Bird
Had a romantic fling at a prestige sporting event, send them an Olympic Flame

Possible To Unlikely Naming Origins Of The Crimson King Maple Tree

Henry 8th (or VIII to the purists, pronounced "Vyyy" to the not interested) was well known for his constipation causing low fibre diet.

"Groom Of The Stool" was a toilet domestic servant involved from first twinge to final clean up. He would be so intimately involved, he could see Henry go through every shade of Crimson as he pushed, contorted and yelled.

It is rumoured that one day whilst walking through the caste gardens he bumped into head gardener struggling to name a new tree he had grown. Noticing the leaf colour was the same colour his employers face has just been, he made a naming suggesting.

He pondered for a while but decided "Crimson King" was a better name than Stuck Sh*t Tree.

Some Questions We Had Trouble With

We want a cheap solution to my neighbours ugly fence, what do you suggest?.... "Close one eye when walking down the garden path, close the opposite one when walking back up".

We want trees that block out noise, what do you have?..... "A twig from any of our trees jammed into your ear is effective".

Your webpage says tree delivery is in August, can we have one earlier? ....."Sure, is July 53rd good for you?"

I would like a practical tree present for elderly Nan.....We suggest something low-growing, they are much easier to climb.

Do you send trees to America?.....Sorry no, our plant life doesn't like your Trump plant life and refuses to go.

Trees To Buy A Political Supporter — Reform UK Party

Reform are well known for being Reform so anything that grows red, white and blue but no brown.
Buy a Fraxinus because planting it requires a large Ash hole, and Reform are always looking for more.

Possible Made-up Naming Origins Of The Laburnum Anagyroides (Burning Bum Tree)

The Latin name of Laburnum Anagyroides originates from ancient Rome.

Ruler of the time, Ceasar Mi-lan, was dictating to his son, Ceasar Sa-lad, possible names for new trees. Forgetting to say "pause" Ceasar Mi-lan complained about his "larva burning bum and angry haemorrhoids" This was mistakenly added to the list and over time shortened to Laburnum Anagyroides.

Accidentally Offensive Tree Gifts

Gets emotional about their height do not buy Dwarf Weeping Willow.
Caught watching your neighbour topless sunbathing, don't gift an Admiration Crab Apple
A friend recently had to have a Biro removed by a proctologist, do not get them Aspen.
Turning up to your Mother In Laws funeral with a Cornus Florida Cloud Nine.
Buying Elder for someone with a much younger partner.
Anyone in Reform UK, a European Larch
Anyone who has had a house fire do not get Flame Grape Vine
If your mate suffers with erectile dysfunction in the Autumn, do not buy October Glory
Someone fearful of the World coming to an end, don't buy Sunburst Cherry Tree
Failed breast surgery and a weeping pear
Bad news from the Sexual Health clinic Prunus Ichiyo
A builder sensitive about bending over, Betula Moonbeam
Your friends had their budgie kidnapped by a bird of prey? Stay away from Peregrine Peach.
Friends in North UK just finished weightwatchers? Don't send Scotch Dumpling

New Entries For The Oaksford English Dictionary (only words containing Oak)

Joak: A tactic used to break the ice and initiate poaking.
Poak: Getting hardwood and feeling the need to jab your girlfriend/wife with it.
Woak: What your girlfriend/wife will do if she was asleep when poaked.
Soak: Indicates greatly anticipated poaking.
Coak: Rehydration after lengthy poaking.
Broak: Too much poaking.

For more, see the end of the bare root Quercus Robur page.

Trees To Buy A Political Supporter — Consevative Party

Conservative party, known for their austerity measures.
They would love Leylandii because it tolerates repeated cutbacks.

Latest Terminology From The Horticultural Industry

Treemendous : A tree that the nursery growers are happy with.

Shrubstandard / Shrubbish /Shrubwreck: A shrub that the nursery growers are not happy with.

Shrit: Unhappy customer feedback about shrub quality.

Compear: Deciding on the best pear tree.

Trees To Buy A Political Supporter — Green Party

Known for being green, i.e. not doing it very long.
Get them an evergreen e.g. Ilex Aquifolium, because if they ever get into power, we will say “HOLLY S**T”.

Quercus ilex aka Holm Oak Idioms

If you steal a Quercus ilex and get it into your garden without being caught, you are Holm free.
If you recreate a very similar comfortable environment by planting Quercus ilex acorns, then you have a Holm from Holm.
A Quercus ilex is so good-looking, it could make your house look ugly; that is a Holm truth.
If you take shelter from a storm under a Quercus ilex, you are Holm and dry.
If you start giving things away by leaving them beneath a Quercus ilex, that is charity beginning at Holm.
If your Quercus ilex stands to attention, then that is a Holm straight.
If an Englishman builds a treehouse with a drawbridge in a Quercus ilex, his Holm is his castle.
Doing a marathon while carrying a potted Quercus ilex is a Holm run.
If you are struggling to write a product description about Quercus ilex, then you have nothing to write Holm about.
If you let all your emotions out under a Quercus ilex, then you are feeling at Holm.
Moving your office to a Quercus ilex treehouse, that is working from Holm.

Trees To Buy A Political Supporter — Liberal Democrat Party

Known for their understanding and negotiation skills.
Get them any tree they can stand under and do nothing.
Get an Eucalyptus, they will love the EU part.

Trees To Buy A Political Supporter — Labour Party

Known for their repeated empty promises.
Get a mature Aesculus Hippocastanum to represent “that old chestnut”.

Rumours Started By Us Say That The First Draft of Ceclia By Paul Simon Could Have Been About Sessile Oak

Sessile, you're breaking my heart, I'm checking your branches daily, Oh, Sessile, I'm growing all my trees, I'm begging you please grow in loam, Sessile, you're breaking my heart, You're shaking my green fingers daily, Oh, Sessile, I'm down on my knees, I'm begging you please don't be Holm, don't be Holm.

Paul Simon has never denied this story and sauces close to him have remained silent.

Trees To Buy A Political Supporter — SNP Party

Known for wanting to leave the UK.
Buy any tree with a small rootball, because they don’t want any attachments to England.

Trees To Buy A Political Supporter — Plaid Cymru Party

Known for wanting independence for wales, meaning no financial support for Humpback, Killer or Beluga i.e. suppress cash so buy a Cupressus Cashmeriana.