Grottingham Allotment Association Newsletter — Edition 2

The committee apologies for the error in last weeks newsletter when we reported that members are encouraged to build fences to keep out the local community. It should have read, build fences with the local community. Could the preppers and off gridders take down the electrified wire.

We appreciate loneliness is a problem but we need the scarecrow back please, this time without the mini-skirt and high heels.

The communal compost heat is being turned next week, all shit stirrers welcome to attend.

We are seeking more ideas where we can collect deadwood for this years bonfire. Thanks to whomever suggested the committee offices, but it was all gone when we checked.

Inline with government policy to improve gender balance, the allotment committee has sourced unicycles.

Members are reminded that pricking out is more difficult in colder weather and that a small dibber is harder to handle.

Cheap rates offered by experienced female sack emptier.

The route to the allotment light switches has finally been cleared and officially named “The Path to Enlightenment”.

Allotment holders are reminded that rules and regulations exist for a reason and that enforcement of these is required by the committee. We do not appreciate being called members of the Third Rake who sends out Lawn Troopers to Gooseberry step around the area to enforce a digtatorship. Our current head of committee is upset at being described as the “Supreme Weeder, Adolf Tiller” running a trowelitarian Gestap-hoe regime while chasing an Iron Cress and trying to start a coldframe war.