Grottingham Allotment Association Newsletter — Edition 1

We are introducing a new short-term hoe rental scheme. They are available by the hour, with older, well-used ones offered at a reduced rate. The younger ones in better shape are expected to be in high demand. Discretion is assured and payment is cash only.

Members are reminded all tools are to be kept in the storage shed as it has come to our attention that the biggest tools onsite are thought to be in the committee room.

We have managed to source horticultural speakers from our local political offices. From the Conservatives we have a presentation about Ivy League and Privet Education, from the Labour party, a talk about common ground, taking rich soil and giving to the poor and from Reform, How to Spread Bullshit.

Plot holders are reminded that the communal storage shed is not a designated faith area. Recently overheard comments include “Oh god, don’t stop”, “not that one, it’s the forbidden passage”, “wrong holy” and “Jesus Christ…that’s the second coming”.

For those with a narrow passage, please speak to Big John who says he can widen you out in no time.

We have managed to book a presentation about dealing with large leeks. Please email your interest to info@adult-incontinence.com.

We have found a free lecture on fighting pests, please sign up at www.womens-defence-club.com